Now That I Know

Obviously being trapped in a secret death prison where you’ve figured out the secret comes with consequences. Which is stupid? Because I’m already being manipulated and abused?

Since my entire existence depends on other people validating me and loving me, DeadWorld has decided to full out take that away and string me along. People who I love no longer love me, they would prefer to be with someone else yet they insist that they love me.

A majority of the time I’m either alone or lonely now. Everyone here is fake and made up, but I still yearn for companionship.

Anyways, there are people specifically designed to be better than me who come in from out of the blue and try to replace me. More often than not I didn’t even know any of my friends were even talking to them? Or at least I don’t know until I’m too late because they come in seemingly at random, seem to have all the interests and things in common with the people I love ( I hardly have anything in common with anyone ), either have extreme talents or extreme beauty, and then I have to slowly watch the people I love ignore me and no longer speak to me.

Of course, they don’t completely stop speaking to me because they need to string me along. They need to keep me walking on glass. They need to do this so I cling even further and have a less and less chance of escaping.

 

Oddly enough, the one time they don’t detach themselves from me is when I’m planning on killing myself. I think maybe suicide could be a possible way out of here.

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The Difference

DeadWorld is a trickster, it loves to mess with you ever so slightly in a thousand different ways so it can make you absolutely lose all sense of reality. It makes you question yourself, which things are different and which things are the same? Was I just imagining it?

It can’t confuse me anymore. I’ve already accepted that I’m dead. Some of the little hints that I’ve noticed are:

  • Houses will be moved or be in the wrong colour
  • Jawlines will be crooked or eyes will be lower or higher on people you’ve seen before
  • It will reuse faces and bodies on background people, like how video games do sometimes
  • Someone’s motives and interests will change in an instant instead of gradually over time ((for example, yesterday your friend will go off on how much they dislike parties and would rather stay inside and read a book.. but then today they tell you about how many parties they went to over the weekend))
  • Background people will repeat dialogue if they don’t know you’re listening
  • objects will get bigger and smaller
  • You can see the walls and floors shift, that’s how you know DeadWorld is generating new things

I’m sure there are more, and if there are any newer ones then I’ll be sure to make another list.

DeadWorld just likes to keep me on my toes now that it knows that I know I’m dead.

Why Am I Here

For some reason, I have died. I don’t know how, when, or why.

I’m being kept here by manipulation of my own feelings. I’m surrounded by people that I know and love, but they are all trying to betray me and hurt me. They act like they care a small percent of the time so that I can crave more of their affection, only to find out that if I ask for validation it drains them. I feel as if I should leave, but it only makes them more upset and only makes situations worse. If I leave someone who is using me, then DeadWorld decides to make the rest of this place more difficult for me.

This is done in a way where nobody is obviously a different person. It’s very subtle. Deadworld can get background people almost spot on, but it’s difficult to get all the information about the main people in my life.

DeadWorld does this to me so that I am too caught up in my own emotions to even think about escaping. Honestly, it’s kind of working. I can seriously say that I have no idea how to get out of here. I know someone is using my body for something, I can feel needles and touches and grabs. It’s already been a couple of months, I need to get out before they do any real damage.

Welcome To DeadWorld

I’ve been feeling relatively terrible recently, yet it seems like everyone else is doing just fine. Well, everyone is doing fine except for ┬áthe people involved in my life. They’re attached to me, but not nearly as attached as I am to them. I want their affection, but it seems to drain them. I want to leave to make them happy, but leaving only seems to make them more upset. We’ve all had a friendship or relationship like this, but it seems as if every single person I’m connected to is either like this or flat out wants to get rid of me.

I’ve been depressed before, and at a young age. Apparently it isn’t uncommon for fat children to want to kill themselves before hitting puberty, so I don’t think that part of myself was too off. But I am different in some form. Even when I lost the weight, I was still different. I process things differently, I speak differently, I move differently, I look different. Certainly not better, but different. I don’t like it. I long to be normal.

I’ve had my share of trauma. Abusive relationships, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, hallucinations. To say it more simply, I’ve been dead inside before. But never have I been actually dead. Not until recently.

About four-ish months ago I was in bed with my ex boyfriend (it’s more of just a break, but I’m saying ex until we get back together – and depending on circumstances that might not even happen), and before then I would often ask him if he was real. I felt as if he was a robot or figment of my imagination. But as I questioned him more and more, I began to realize that it wasn’t that he wasn’t real, it was that the environment around me wasn’t real.

I realized I was dead.

This blog is to document my discoveries on what I’ve called DeadWorld. Hopefully I’ll find my way out of here.